If there’s one thing all humans can agree on, it’s that children are stupid. They have no concept of social etiquette, communication skills, or even basic arithmetic. From my understanding, the best way to express a personal opinion on certain issues is through song. So I threw together a little ditty called “Children are the Future.”
Children are indeed the weakest of our kind, but they have one redeeming quality. They are fucking cute. As retarded as small children are, they are excellent at abusing their cuteness for their own benefit. It’s a trait I intend to exploit for my own benefit someday with my own children, but for now I just have to admire this fascinating innate behavior.
I recently witnessed four middle-aged women gush over two small uninterested children dressed as dragons. The children rightfully didn’t give them the time of day, (Probably because they don’t understand clocks. Or time.) but the ladies continued shaking shiny shit at them and asking them odd rhetorical questions.
Woman who wished she were still ovulating: “Aren’t you just the cutest little thing?”
Baby 1 turned to Baby 2. Because babies don’t understand language, he spoke entirely through facial expression, “Honestly Evan, I’m not sure if I should answer her or see if I can get away with a tit grab or face slap.”
Evan squinted back, “Go for the tits.”
Children are the cutest, most devious human beings known to man and unbeknownst to anyone who hasn’t taken a high school psychology class, are astonishingly sexual. As it turns out, sexual hormone activity peaks at a young age before receding back for a few years until puberty kicks into gear and The Erections start. Why do you think children climb into beds with their parents? As I said before, they don’t understand basic human taboo; they just want to get some.
Armed with the knowledge that children are sexual predators without the equipment to commit a real felony, you need to come to terms with the fact that they are indeed cute as hell. You need to embrace that fact, and learn to creep out your friends and pick up chicks with it. And as always, I know exactly what to do.
Get a baby calendar.
Are the models children you know or will someday meet? No. Is this weird? Marginally. It could go either way. Is it morally wrong to force children to work long hours posing for professional pictures at such a young age? Ah, that’s kind of a gray area. Is it an amazing conversation starter and way to pick up any chick that you can somehow lure into your room? YES.
Semi-hot girl looking for extra toilet paper: “Wait, is this a room? Why is it labeled ‘Janitor Closet?’”
Me: “Oh is it? I hadn’t noticed. You know something you hadn’t noticed?” I sat back in my chair to reveal my baby calendar on the wall behind me.
S-hglfetp: “Oh that’s adorable! Is… wait, do you have a kid?”
Me: “No. Do you like children?” A thin smile crept across my face.
S-hglfetp: “So that’s just a baby calendar? Uh… ok. Yeah I do like kids and intend on having some someday, but I’m really just looking for some toilet paper… Christ! Why are you taking off your pants?” She began backing towards the door.
Me: I began retying the elastic of my sweatpants. “Ah, not ready for kids just yet I see.” Reacting quickly, I redirected her attention back to the calendar. “Golly, the bum on that November baby is so round and similar to the pumpkin it’s dressed up as.”
S-hglfetp: “Aww… you’re right! Actually, I will hook up with you.” It’s that simple.
It’s a little risky to drop the baby calendar on some new roommates in a fresh school year, but once you’ve explained to them how children are the developmental equivalent of porn stars, they’ll understand for months to come. Sure you’ll come off as creepy to a few people, but it’s well worth it for that mediocre blowjob you’re almost guaranteed to receive from the vaguely-attractive ovulating female you bait into your room someday.