The new semester started out strong. One day into management class and I had completely abandoned taking notes and instead decided to spend my class time writing a television pilot with my friend Sam. Granted, we may not fully grasp the concept of the “employee” by test time, but we will have pushed out a full ten episodes of a sexy new cop/drug abuse hybrid drama called Buddy Copp.
If it ever seems incongruous, it’s because we switch off writing every paragraph or two.
Characters: Ralph “Buddy” Copp (cop) and his best friend Sam (drug addict)
Opening credits: Montage of Buddy busting up crime and Sam doing drugs. “Tiny Dancer” plays in the background. At the end, Buddy and Sam do a jumping high five. Freeze frame at the peak of the jump.
Episode 1: Heroes and Heroin
Ralph is driving in his cop car when he notes suspicious activity outside. He stops, gets out of the car, and sees used drug paraphernalia. Something is strange about this equipment though – he recognizes it. He picks up the spoon, turns it over and reads, engraved – “Sam’s Heroin Spoon.”
“FML,” Ralph thought.
Cut to two-bedroom apartment where Ralph and Sam live.
Ralph: “Sam! What the eff are you thinking?!”
Sam: “Buddy… buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy…”
Ralph: “You can’t keep shooting up Sam. I’m a cop.”
Sam breathes deeply still saying “buddy.”
Ralph: “I’ll have to turn you in!”
Ralph walks slowly towards Sam, producing a pair of handcuffs from his breast pocket.
Sam: “Buddy, don’t do this!”
Ralph: “Sam, I hate to do this, but the evidence is piled against you. Your name is on the spoon.”
Sam: “We can’t be apart. Think what it will do to Sam.”
Sam had struck a heartstring. They look across the room to their dog, also named Sam, who was also a drug addict.
Ralph: “Alright, alright. We’ll compromise. Hand over all of your drugs.”
Sam walks to his dresser, emptying an entire drawer filled with drugs. Knowing that Ralph doesn’t know the difference, Sam picks out a couple items and hands them to Ralph.
Ralph: “You did the right thing, Sam.”
Sam: “I’ll get better Buddy. Honest.”
Ralph: “I know you will, Sam.”
Ralph pats Sam on the hand and exits. Sam shoots up again.
Minutes into a heroin induced dream, Sam notices his phone buzzing in his pocket. He pulls it out to see a text from Ralph.
(212): U feed Sam btw?
Sam highly fumbles with his phone for a few minutes before successfully typing out a coherent message.
Seconds later, Sam’s phone buzzes again.
(212): Damn it Sam. K, give him some Doritos laced w/ meth the way he likes it. He seemed to be in kind of a methy mood today.
Frustrated by his new responsibility, but still very, very high, Sam falls asleep typing, “YOU TOOK ALL MY METHHH!!!”
End of Episode 1.