It’s been about two months since the last installment of Buddy Copp, the television series my friend Sam and I wrote. Here’s the last episode. If you’re new, here’s the whole series. You should probably read them in order.
School officially ended for the semester and instead of learning management, we managed to complete the full ten episode season as promised. The remaining episodes will be up eventually.
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Things had started looking up for Ralph. Ever since he accidentally popped the multivitamin and passed out on the couch while Antha cared for him and Sam handled the 911 text, he had begun to gain some perspective on life. People change, and sometimes for the better. His daily dealings with the scum of life had hardened him against such stories of redemption. He remembered who he was and what he was doing. He was Buddy Copp, the cop. The only thing that still bothered him was that Sam had scored that hot babe while he had no one. He was going to change that.
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Ralph again pulls up outside the local elementary school. A prostitute approaches him.
Hooker: “Hey cop! Get outta here!”
Ralph: “You know my name?”
Today, I got picked up by a cop asking me to pretend to be his girlfriend. I'm a prostitute. FML.
Hooker: “What?”
Ralph: “My name – Copp. Buddy Copp. Pleasure to meet you.”
Ralph was putting on the charm on heavily.
Hooker: “Pleasure’s all mine Mr. Copp.”
Ralph: “Listen. Why don’t we get out of here?”
Hooker: “Definitely. This place is beat anyways.”
The hooker hops in the car and Ralph begins explaining his plan.
Ralph: “Alright. So my ex-drug abusing roommate has been dating this new chick. She’s amazing. She was a model and she’s on her way to becoming CEO.”
Hooker: “Oh, you know Antha?”
Ralph: “Excuse me?”
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Commercial Break (Sam’s Real Estate Commercial)
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Hooker: “I just saw her in an article of Us Weekly with Sam.”
Ralph: “Wait, how do you know Sam?”
Hooker: “He used to rule these parts.”
Ralph: “Doing what?”
Hooker: “I’m not quite sure.”
Ralph: “Well, listen. We’re at my place. I’ve got to impress them. We’ve got to impress them.”
Hooker: “I can put my leg behind my head.”
Ralph: “Me too. Let’s go. Hey wait – what’s your name anyways?”
Hooker: “Hooker. Sally Hooker.”
Ralph: “That’s convenient.”
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So Copp and Hooker walk hand-in-hand up to the entrance of the apartment complex. Outside the front door, Ralph stops and grabs Sally around the waist with one arm. He leans in for a deep, cold kiss. He pulls up to gaze into her soulless eyes.
Ralph: “Think you can fake this Sally?”
Sally: “Trust me. It’s my job.”
Ralph: “Good.”
Ralph winks at her and begins opening the door.
Sally: “Keep in mind, open mouth kisses are $50.”
Ralph: “Shit. And what are hourly rates for whatever I want to do to you?”
Sally: “$55.”
Ralph: “Alright. Let’s use that plan starting… now!”
Ralph presses his watch timer and they run to the apartment.
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Hooker and Ralph open the door. Sam and Antha are into some heavy cuddling. Sam looks up.
Sam: “Sally!”
Before Sally can respond, she locks into a very slobbery open-mouthed kiss with Ralph. She notices Antha, who is curiously staring at her, wide-eyed. Ralph unlatches.
Ralph: “Hey Sam. Don’t worry about me. I pick up chicks.”
Sam: “I know Sally, and you’re a cop. How do you plan on paying for this?”
Ralph: “Like THIS.”
Ralph begins to kiss the hooker again, and slides a bill into her rear pocket. Sam, clearly impressed, shrugs his shoulders and heads toward the closet.
Sam: “Good for you guys! Anyone up for a few rounds of Apples to Apples?”
Hooker checks her pocket then punches Ralph in the back of the head.
Hooker: “What the fuck, Buddy? This is a five. That’s not going to cut it.”
Ralph: “Shh! That’s my last bill. Do you accept credit cards?”
Hooker: “WTF do you think, Buddy?”
Ralph: “Only Visa?”
Hooker: “No! Cash only.”
Ralph: “But I don’t have any!”
Sam and Antha are visibly distressed by what is transpiring. They exit to Sam’s bedroom.
Ralph: “Great job Sally. This doesn’t look good.”
Sally: “And neither do my chances of staying here without seeing some green or cash equivalent.”
Ralph’s eyes lit up and he ran to the cabinet where he had hidden Dog Sam’s drugs.
Ralph: “I have one pound of marijuana, and this funny looking—“
Ralph glances at the side it and sees, “Sam’s bong.”
Ralph: “—bong.”
Sally: “That’ll do.”
Ralph leans in for one last kiss,
Sally: “Alright. I’m out of here.”
Ralph: “Wait! I was just kidding!”
Sally exits.
Ralph: “I’m so lonely.”
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Ralph hears yelling from Sam’s bedroom.
Antha: “No! I’m tired of this! I’m not going to play ‘prostitute’!”
Sam: “No! Don’t…”
Antha storms out. Sam and Ralph are left alone in the apartment. Ralph is smiling.
Ralph: “Trouble in paradise?”
Sam plops down next to Ralph on the couch and throws off his cowboy hat.
Sam: “Yeah… we were doing a little role playing game that got out of hand for some reason.”
Ralph: “Ah, sorry about that Sam.”
Sam: “It’s alright. I’ll try calling her later and we’ll sort this out hopefully. Hey, where’s Sally?”
Ralph: “She wasn’t my type.”
Sam: “You mean prostitutes aren’t your type?”
Ralph: “Nah. I’m more of a repressed Catholic guy.”
Sam: “Same thing?”
Ralph: “Haha! Nice one!”
End of episode 5.
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