This is the second installment in the Buddy Copp saga that my friend Sam and I are writing. To catch up, here’s a link to the first episode.
Sam is asleep on the couch. The clock reads 5:53 pm when Ralph walks in with groceries. He sees Sam and is visibly upset.
Ralph: Sam! Wake up!
Sam: (Wide eyed) Yes?
Ralph: I slave all day and all I expect is to come home and have a god damned home cooked meal!
Sam: So why’d you bring the groceries?
Ralph: I’ve had enough of this. You’re getting a job.
Sam: I’ll take that bet.
Ralph and Sam arrive in Ralph’s car at a job location. Sam is sitting in the back seat.
Ralph: Sam, do you have your resume?
Sam: My what?
Ralph: Your resume.
Sam: I thought I was getting a job.
Ralph: Come on. The piece of paper with your educational background and work experience.
Sam: I don’t know what that is.
Ralph: Maybe this was a bit brash.
Sam: Ralph, we’ve come too far. I’m ready to fucking do this!
Ralph: Oh my.
Ralph and Sam get out of the car and walk into Home Depot. A woman at the entrance greets them.
Greeter: Hello! How may I help you?
Ralph: He’s looking for a job.
Ralph looks around. Sam has disappeared. Greeter and Ralph run through the store looking for Sam. Finally they end up on the paint aisle. Sam is huffing a bright red.
Greeter: He can’t work here.
Ralph grabs Sam by the arm, looking very cop-like.
Ralph: Sam, we need to leave. I hope you know I have to pay for this paint now.
Sam: Shit. I would have picked a more earthy tone if I had known that. Let’s go ride the tractor.
Ralph: Honestly Sam. Was Fire-Engine red the best choice? And no, we can’t ride the tractor. It’s not a ride. It’s retail merchandise.
Sam: Eff you Mom!
Ralph: Did you just call me Mom?
Sam: No, I called you mon. We’re in Jamaica mon!
Ralph: No we’re not. We’re leaving.
Ralph, frustrated, and Sam, unemployed and covered in paint, are back in the cop car.
Sam: This is more fun than I expected Ralph. Should we try Staples?
Ralph: No Sam! You’re hopeless! You’d probably just try to high yourself up on rubber cement! I give up!
Sam: (Chuckling at Ralph’s drug retardation, but still seeking approval) No Ralph. Take me to Staples. I can do this.
Sam and Ralph hop out of the car and walk into Staples.
Greeter: Hello! Welcome to Staples! How may I help you?
Sam: I’m going to work on you!
Ralph: (Whispering) with…
Sam: I’m going to with on you!
Greeter: Okay, well, let me just go and get an application.
Greeter walks away.
Ralph: Sam, I meant for you to say, “I’m going to work with you.”
Sam: Shhh. I know what I’m doing.
Greeter returns moments later carrying the application.
Ralph: I’d like to go ahead and apologize for my friend here. He’s not the best with words, but he’s a great worker.
Greeter: That’s fine. You wouldn’t believe some of the invalids we employ here.
Greeter: Speaking of which, where did he go?
Ralph: (Turning around) Oh f—
Back in the car, Sam is again covered in paint.
Ralph: Look, I don’t even know what you were thinking. You know there is no way to get high off of water color.
Sam: Ralph, I’ve found my calling.
Ralph: What? What are you thinking?
Sam: As I ran outside of Staples, I saw a sign.
Ralph: Were you hallucinating?
Sam: No, it was a “For Sale” sign. I’m going to be a realtor.
Ralph, with tears in his eyes, embraces Sam.
Ralph: Let’s go ride that tractor.
Ralph and Sam are sitting on a stationary tractor together in Home Depot, each licking an ice cream cone.
End of episode 2.