This is an episode of Buddy Copp, the television series my friend Sam and I wrote last semester instead of paying attention in management class. Here’s the last episode. If you’re new, here’s the whole series, but you might want to just skip it for now. Read them in order. This one’s a bit confusing, so try to pay attention.
Ralph is sitting on the couch checking his phone. He presses redial and holds it up to his ear. No answer. Typical. Just then, Sam walks in, looking sad.
Ralph: “WTF have you been? I haven’t been able to get ahold of you in like… eleven hours.”
Sam: “Sorry Buddy, I can’t talk right now.”
Ralph: “Well whatever. I just needed you to program this new universal remote.”
Sam: “Buddy, she left me.”
Ralph: “What?! Bitch. I knew it! So that’s where you’ve been. How did it go?”
Sam: “Well we were on the couch after she stormed out mid-prostitute…”
Sam (still in voice-over): “You were yapping about your actual prostitute, Sally, whilst I was feverishly text messaging Antha. She didn’t respond, so I left. You didn’t seem to notice. I arrived at the house I sold her, and a very buff guy answered the door.”
Buff Guy: “What.”
Sam: “Excuse me, buff guy, have you seen my girlfriend, Antha?”
Buff Guy: “Oh yes. I’ve seen her.”
Sam: “Well, Mr. Guy, could you direct me to her?”
Buff Guy: “Sure. That’ll be $50.”
Sam: “Alright, Buff. Listen here…”
Sally walks by.
Sam: “…Sally! Double-you-tee-EFF are you doing here?”
Sally: “What do you mean? This is my workplace.”
Sam: “What’s the name of this brothel?”
Sally: “Victoria’s Secret.”
Sam: “NOOOOO… OOO… O!”
Ralph: “Wow. Did not see that one coming. Did you ever talk to Antha?”
Sam: “Oh yes. I purchased one blow job before I left so we could hammer out the details of the break up.”
Sam: “Look Antha, I get to keep Sam and Ralph.”
Antha: “Glurggabahh fluum.”
Sam: “Right, right I forgot. You can keep the hats.”
Antha spit out the water she was gargling.
Antha: “That’s fine. Look Sam, I’m really sorry to do this to you, but your relationship with Ralph is just too weird for me.”
Sam: “What? Why—“
Sam’s phone buzzed in his pocket.
Sam: “—hold on. Ralph is calling…”
Antha: “See! This is exactly what I’m talking about.”
Sam: “You’re right. I won’t answer. Now let’s get on with my blow jay.”
Ralph: “You ass! You should have answered.”
Ralph: “Well, it sounds like you had worked it out by then, what happened?”
Antha (right after spitting something out): “So, when do I see you next?”
Sam: “Antha, you’re not a doctor, you’re a whore. We’re over.”
Ralph and Sam sit in silence on the couch for a few minutes. Sam’s phone starts buzzing. He pulls it out, leaves the room, and comes back.
Ralph: “So what was that about? Close another sale?”
Sam answers the phone and walks out of the room.
Sam: “Hello? Uh huh. Yeah it seems to be a popular name… Ha! Of course. Yup. Bye!”
Ralph and Sam again sit in silence. Dog Sam stumbles by and crashes into the TV stand.
Sam: “Nah, apparently you can’t sell brothels. The firm dropped me.”
Ralph: “Ah, OK. What are you going to do?”
Sam: “The only thing I know how.”
Ralph waits for Sam to finish his sentence.
Sam falls asleep.
End of episode 6.