Dave and I were sitting at a Starbucks eavesdropping on what sounded like an interview while we waited for Sarah to show up.
Me: “Sounds like they’re working on a start-up company.”
Dave: “Yeah, probably. You ever notice how start-ups are always meeting in coffee places? These places are littered with these people.”
Me: “Seriously. I can’t even come in to one of these places without someone trying to show me their next fucking Facebook idea.”
Dave: “I know. They should call this place Startbucks.”
I stared at Dave for a few seconds.
Me: “Holy shit, that’s good. I just got an idea. We should start a website where we make puns out of company names.”
Dave: “People would love that. It’ll go viral and we’ll be millionaires!”
Me: “Seriously! Alright, let’s talk about percent equity share.”
Just then Sarah walked in and slammed her phone on the table in front of me.
Sarah: “You can’t keep sending me texts like this.”
Me: “What are you talking about?”
She showed her phone displaying a recent text from me.
(Robbie): “This is ridiculous. Been looking for a chance to jerk it for like 45 minutes, but haven’t gotten an opportunity. Fucking church man.”
Me: “What’s the problem? I thought you might be able to relate.”
Sarah: “No, I can’t relate to feeling the need to masturbate during church!”
She put her hand over her mouth and whispered when she hit the word masturbate.
Dave: “Oh, the thing about not being able to jerk off for like 45 minutes?”
Sarah: “What the shit, you mass texted this?”
Sarah: “Jesus. Just so you know, my mother saw this before I did. Please, please stop sending me texts like this.”
Me: “OK, well that’s actually kind of funny. But message received. No more “masturbation” on Sarah’s phone.”
I airquoted, and then turned around to see if the interview was still in session. It was.
Sarah: “Now that sounds like–”
Dave: “Sarah, so clearly all you want to talk about is masturbation, but we’re kind of working on something.”
Sarah: “What?! I do not only want to–”
Me: “Seriously, you need to chill out. Is your underwear in a Calvin Bind?”
Dave: “Maybe she’s wearing Fruit of the Looney.”
Me: “Or, ‘Hey-nes my underwear is tight.'”
Sarah: “I’m leaving.”