“I seriously fucking hate this place. Why are there so many fucking people here? And how the fuck is this food so cheap?” I growled at Sarah, holding up a box of $1.99 off-brand Cheerios.
Sarah: “That blood sugar’s really hitting a dangerous low, eh?”
Me: “Fuck you.”
Sarah had agreed to go grocery shopping with me at Trader Joe’s, and I was hungry.
I’ve found that feeding myself is distantly the most difficult part of being an independent human being. It’s basically a constant struggle for survival. Three times a day I have to figure out how to get enough calories into my body necessary to sustain myself until the next meal.
It’s like playing Pokemon when your Pokemon are all either fainted or near blackout and you’re frantically searching for a Pokemon Center. Except your Pokemon lose HP for no reason, you have to pay every time you need revived, and if you black out you don’t just wake in a Pokemon Center mysteriously no longer hungry.
Me: “Sarah, I’m going to murder this woman in front of you if she can’t figure out what fucking yogurt she wants.”
Sarah hit me with a pack of granola bars.
The woman nervously pushed her cart out of the way. It had been sixteen hours since I had last eaten, which I’ve found is about as long as I can go before I start shaking and/or getting hostile.
Sarah: “If we get thrown out of Trader Joe’s because you threaten to kill someone again–”
Me: “Whoa, whoa. Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of my stomach eating itself.”
Sarah sighed and walked ahead.
Sarah: “I’m making a mental note to never respond to texts from you offering to buy me ice cream.”
Me: “I’m making a mental note to fu–”
Sarah: “Or just any texts from you at all actually.”
Me: “OK, I need to eat or I’m going to kill someone. Fuck it, I’m eating some of this fucking Jewish food right now.”
Sarah: “Robbie! Just because it’s cheap doesn’t mean–”
She turned around to see me unwrapping a loaf of Challah.
Sarah: “Oh. I wasn’t sure– it just seemed– I mean it’s fine because I’m Je– let me have a piece.”
We huddled over the cart in the middle of Trader Joe’s eating the Challah. I could feel my mood improving by the second.
Me: “This is amazing.”
Sarah: “Really is. Were those off-brand Cheerios really only $1.99? What a bargain.”
Me: “I know, right? I seriously fucking love this place.”