Me: “All I’m saying is that you could anonymously email someone on Craigslist who’s showing their apartment to a bunch of people, get the address, then text them saying you’re going to fart on them or something when you get there. Then they’re freaked out that each person who comes to see it is going to purposely fart on them.”
Sarah: “…why do you think of these things?”
Me: “I’m just saying it’s something that could theoretically happen.”
Sarah: “Jesus christ. Let’s change the topic. What are you doing today?”
Me: “Oh, forgot to tell you. Going to check out a new apartment.”
It had been three months, so it was time for another move. I purposely try to move around every so often for a change of pace. Also, I refuse to clean the bathroom.
After a couple minutes on Craigslist, I found a nice place in the West Village which requested “females only.” I figured despite my bathroom avoidance, I’m still cleaner than most girls, and am much less likely to flush a sanitary napkin and clog the pipes. So I set up an appointment and headed over.
I hopped on the subway, and quickly noticed the girl sitting across from me. She had on a summer scarf and a t-shirt, which while entirely impractical, does a great job making tits seem bigger and chins seem fewer. She was perfect.
With only three stops until I had to get off, I had to act quickly. So for the next two minutes, I aggressively tried to gain eye contact with her. Unfortunately, she had taken a sudden interest in her fingernails, which I apparently wasn’t going to be able to compete with. Two stops left for me, and who knows how many for her. I needed a new plan.
Suddenly she coughed. Instinctively, I yelled across the loud subway.
Me: “BLESS YOU.”
I nodded my head at her and smiled moments before we both realized how retarded I was. She didn’t respond.
The timer was running and this girl was clearly not interested, but I wasn’t ready to give up and I also couldn’t let that misguided “bless you” hang out there any longer than it had to. So I jumped up and sat down next to her.
I noticed her blue fingernails which triggered a story Sarah told me a few weeks earlier, and because I had no other pickup lines prepared, blurted it out.
Me: “Someone been ticking the Cookie Monster?”
Sarah, I’m going to fucking kill you.
She turned and stared past me for a second before responding.
Me: “It’s a joke, sort of. My friend told me. She’s not funny. Anyways, totally blessed you for that cough earlier.”
Girl: “Uh, yeah, I heard.”
Me: “Totally stupid. Sneezes, coughs, even blessed a fart once. Barely even Catholic. You Catholic?”
Me: “Psh, me neither. Mostly. So you live around here?”
We both glanced around the subway, again confirming how retarded I was. The girl ignored my question, shifted uncomfortably, and looked at the door as the subway slowed down to a stop, and then paused for an unusually long amount of time.
Me: “Funny how those doors take so long to open, right?”
The doors opened and she jetted out. I yelled after her.
Me: “Great to meet you. Let’s hang out sometime.”
I sat for a moment running back through my performance before realizing it was my stop too. I hopped off, grabbed a pretzel, and went searching for my new apartment.
When I showed up at the door, three girls were just leaving. I glared at my competition as they passed, and then turned to smile at the person subletting her apartment in an attempt to lessen the shock of me not being a girl.
As soon as we saw each other, my heart skipped a beat.
Me: “I… I had to see you.”
The girl showed me the middle of her blue painted fingernails and slammed the door.
I whipped out my phone to text Sarah.
(Me): I’m going to fucking fart on you.
(Sarah): See, that doesn’t work because I know this is your number, I’m not showing my house, and you’re an idiot.
(Me): Sigh. Bless you.