My BFF and I throw the most bomb parties. Ever since sophomore year’s Night in a Spanish Speaking Country Valentine’s Day Celebration, people have come to expect us to throw the wildest shindigs around. Not wanting to disappoint, we recently hosted the Jersey Boys/You Have to be Strapped to Your Date Party. Needless to say, it went swimmingly. So you may be asking, what’s the secret Robbie? How are you so cool and how do you throw such cool parties? There are exactly four things that are required to throw a party of our caliber:
- You need at least one other person to attend outside you and your BFF. Bonus points if they have some kind of special power, like being a midget or double jointed.
- A central theme is required. You must also enforce that everyone comply with the theme. Verbally abuse or kick out anyone who doesn’t.
- The drink of choice must follow the theme. For example: Hurricane forties for Katrina Victim Parties, milk with Banker’s and food coloring for Star Wars Mos Eisley Cantina Parties, Natural Light for Exclusive Naked Parties, etc.
- Decorations. This is huge. It sets the mood and enables you to pick up any chick in attendance. Ex. “Oh Robbie, your decorations are amazing. They make you so much hotter too. Take me.”
This is all doable. Easily the most difficult, time-consuming, and possibly expensive is the decorations. (Charge a small fee to subsidize the cost of the alcohol. Throw this little line in the email invite: “Drinks are on us! After you pay $3.”) A couple different options for decorating include:
- Grabbing paper from the printer and making fold-and-cut snowflakes. (A staple for any season.)
- Borrowing streamers from the girls that live above you.
- Stealing your parents’ Christmas lights and hanging them around the room.
- Printing out pictures that represent your theme and pasting them to the walls.
- Blowing up some balloons to float around the room.
- Random shit to really spice things up.
So now you know what to do, but the real question is where you get all this shit. While biking around Bethlehem this summer selling advertising, I found the god of all party stores. I found the place where five dollar jugs of ibuprofen sit on lawn chairs designed to look like Big Bird. I found the place where mattress pads and books on hot stock ideas for 2004 are in the same isle. I found the place where you can buy dog food in candy bar packages, damaged toaster ovens, and paint for 89 cents. I found fucking Ollie’s Bargain Outlet.
Ollie’s is a place I thought had only teased me in dreams and existed only in college student urban legends. But nay. Ollie’s does exist, and it is amazing. Pick a dream, any dream. Then go forth into Ollie’s and Ollie himself shall make it happen.
In one run, I purchased wall paper, an authentic Japanese urn, five boxes of Target brand chocolate pebbles cereal, a tablecloth, a Spiderman shower curtain, air freshener, shampoo, a poster of babies, and some other shit I can’t think of right now: all for under $25. Everything is priced so disgustingly low that it almost damages your pride if you don’t buy it. I think that’s how I ended up with the urn.
From what I copied and pasted from their website, here’s how it works:
“Ollie’s buyers scour the world looking for closeouts, overstocks, package changes, manufacturer refurbs, and irregulars.
Much of the merchandise comes direct from the finest manufacturers in the country and abroad. For instance, if a manufacturer makes too much of an item, or changes their packaging — Ollie’s will buy the discontinued or overstock items. So you will always find famous brand name products at Ollie’s…but it could be last year’s color or pattern that traditional retailers won’t sell.
We also work with insurance companies to buy salvage merchandise. If a store in your neighborhood has a fire, Ollie’s may purchase the inventory and put it in our stores at drastically reduced prices!”
Ollie, you genius son-of-a-bitch. I could kiss you. Go check out Ollie’s, and get yourself some badass party supplies to throw yourself some badass parties. If you’re short on party ideas, just go to Ollie’s and start putting stuff in your cart. I’m sure you can build some kind of a crack head theme from that.
Oh yeah, and apparently there’s a 30-day money back guarantee on everything. I haven’t used it, but damn it Ollie you rock.