This past summer I worked as an advertising sales representative for a company that produces the college directories for like 300 campuses across the nation. Right after school ended, me and 750 other reps from across the nation were flown down to Chapel Hill, North Carolina for a Hitler-youth-rally-ish training week. Every day we were forced to dress up and sit in a classroom for an eight hour long brainwashing session. Then each night we would meet with our region for four hours. Shit balls. Granted, I make it sound worse than it was. I think there was a pool nearby.
Though I tried to fight it, I eventually gave into the brainwashing. Ten days, three livestock sacrifices, one drunken flight, and three phone calls from my manager later, I was ready to sell some advertising. After a fuckload (week) of failure, the brainwashing wore off and I realized how goddamned hard it was to get people to buy from you. So I did what I always do in times of extreme failure: I took off my shirt, got as drunk as possible off two Natural Lights, and started reading a book on how to not suck at what I’m doing.
The book I started reading was called How to Master the Art of Selling by Tom Hopkins. Holy shit it’s amazing. Even as I neared blackout and began urinating on my futon, I knew that this book was going to change my life. It is filled with awesome and hilarious ways of persuading people to do what you want them to do. As soon as I started using his techniques, I started selling ass-tons of advertising and getting what I want in almost all areas of my life. Including poon.
I was explaining this once to a small group of tourists I had lured into my home. One fellow spoke up.
Inept dunce: “But Robbie, I’m not in sales.”
I whipped out my dick and slapped the inept dunce in the face.
ID: “Oh… OK. It’s getting late… can we…um…”
I glanced up at him, penis still in hand.
Learning the art of persuasion is important to getting what you want all the time without being a complete douche. It’s the closest you can ever get to becoming a Jedi.