After a few cockstrong weeks of advertising sales, the president of the company caught wind of our numbers. He had a meeting in Philly, so he decided to rent a car and swing by Bethlehem for a little visit to see what we were up to. I alerted my team via text that he was going to be there for the evening meeting:
(304): Yo Mark and Kyle. The president’s coming to our evening meeting LOL.
(304): Haha yeah I know right? You heard from Kyle? I texted him like half an hour ago.
Mark and I convened at our evening meeting place around 5:30 to find Kyle waiting awkwardly with the president. The president was occupying our single broken chair and staring up at Kyle, who was sweating. Upon seeing us, the president jumped up.
President: “Hey guys! How’d it go out there today?”
Mark: “Not too good.”
The president gave me a funny look.
President: “I’m sorry?”
Robbie: “BITCHINGLY. It means good.” I said, smiling confidently. Kyle nodded in agreement.
President: “Oh… sure. Can I take you boys out to dinner?”
(304): LOL, gay.
So I’m not too sure about proper etiquette, and don’t really give two shits about it. But here’s a quick lesson on what not to do.
We sat down to eat dinner at the Bethlehem Brewworks, famous for their micro-brewed beer. I had just turned 21, so when the waitress asked what I wanted to drink, I obviously asked for the most alcoholic beer available. My teammates followed suit. Then the president asked for a Coke. Fuck. One 13% alcohol beer per teammate later, it went from a nice dinner with the president to a night on the town with the boys. Mark, Kyle, and I painfully faked sobriety while “the big P” as we were now referring to him via text shared stories about visits he had with other teams.
After my infamous queef joke bombed, I tried to recover by mentioning that I had read How to Master the Art of Selling. The Big P mentioned that he had read it, but that the book he most often refers to is How to Win Friends & Influence People. Intrigued, I playfully touched his arm. He politely shook his arm in disgust.
(267): R u hitting on the big p?
(304): think he’s gay. i’ll play gay and try to get us a bonus
(267): sounds like a horrible idea. go for it
President: “I tell you, that book is filled with some of the most important, but basic points. I take a look at it almost every night before I go to bed.”
Robbie: “Is there… anything else you might be interested in taking a look at before you go to bed?”
President: “I’m not sure I understand…”
Robbie: “Let’s just do what feels right.” I said with a blink.
President: “Are you hitting on me? And why did you just blink at me?” His phone buzzed. “Just a minute.” He glanced down with a puzzled look.
President: “This is weird. It’s a 304 number…”
(304): “U gave me a raise ten minutes ago 😉 nudge nudge”
It buzzed again.
(304): “That means an erection.”
My leg slowly caressed his from under the table. He stood up angrily.
President: “What the fuck is wrong with you? I don’t give a shit how much you sell, you guys need to get away from me.”
Kyle: “Get this man another Coke!”
(610): So drunk. And i’m thinking he’s not gay
(304): Worth it
The next day I ran to my local Barnes and Noble to pick up “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie. As homosex as the president was, he knew his books. It’s really good shit.
Also, I got a bonus at the end of the summer.