The fresh scent of February brought only one thought to my mind in the form of my mother screeching through the phone – “You need to get an internship this summer. Like a real one.” As a self-described rock star with no marketable skills, I had the cards stacked against me. But through a little creative margin fudging and lying, I managed to turn three lines into a full resume.
The next hurdle I faced was what is known as the “cover letter.” For one, I had no idea what it was. Two, it struck me as a royal pain in the ass. Because I was simply prostituting myself out by applying to every single internship available on Lehigh’s career services website without discretion or standards, the specific cover letter writing would make the process even more unbearable. So I decided to write a versatile, generic cover letter that I could send to all companies ranging from CollegeHumor to Douche Bank.
To Whom It May Concern:
Let’s cut to the chase. I love your company. Rather than brown nose you any further, here is a short description of my work experiences.
For the past three years, I have been a work study in the Dean’s Office of the business school. Most of my time is spent talking to my three female superiors about their grandchildren and the current humidity of the air in the office. They often bake me things and give me their sons’ old pants.
This past summer I worked as a manager of a team of advertising sales representatives. Throughout the summer, I got kicked out of three stores, got five girls’ numbers, was given over $80 of free chicken, and learned a swear word in Thai. Kee nok. It means “bird shit.”
The summer before last, I got an offer to be a supply chain intern. I blindly accepted to work directly under a hefty woman who wore a mouth guard. Other than her resemblance to John Goodman, all I remember is that Facebook was a restricted website on the company’s network.
During the same summer but before that offer, I was serving as a lowly accounting intern at a small wellness company. What you may not be able to extract from my resume is that I was the creator of the only company-wide game of Survivor: BeBetter Working Edition. While both fun and mildly confusing, the game ended abruptly when the first tribal council coincidentally coincided with the firing of the CFO. Unfortunately for him, I had the Cup of Immunity.
The summer before, I was a warehouse laborer in a petroleum supplier warehouse. It mostly involved fork truck races, listening to “Hey There Delilah,” and building forts out of oil buckets. My closest friends were Ramon the Innocent Sixty Year Old Immigrant with an Inhuman Sex Drive, TJ the Gangster Who Showed Me His Gun, and Frank. My most memorable and disturbing moment was when Ramon explained to me in his Spanish accent what a golden shower is.
During high school summers, I worked as a bus boy and cook in a breakfast-lunch restaurant called First Watch. It is well known in West Virginia as the largest employer of both high school students and drug dealers. It was during this time I was first hit on by an old man, stunting my puberty for six months.
My next job will hopefully be at your company, where I can do all of the responsibilities listed in the application.
I expect to hear from you next week.
I’m trusting you.
I remain unemployed.