Lehigh was pumping out H1N1 alerts like breastmilk.
“Attention students: Stay inside. Don’t go to class. The swine flu is on our campus. I repeat, THE SWINE FLU IS ON OUR CAMPUS. May God have mercy on us all.”
One thing you should know about me is that I’m a semi-obsessive germaphobe. I refuse to share drinks, always wash my hands, and never touch bathroom doorknobs barehanded. I like to think my immune system is top-notch, and I laugh in the face of contagious viruses. But somehow, the little SOB swine got me.
After two days of minor symptoms and overdoses of ibuprofen, I figured I should go to the Health Center and prove that I had swine and that I am all that is man. As I wandered up the mountain, I wondered how much this walk would raise my body temperature. My mom later told me, “Probably none.” As a side note: Lehigh’s campus is a straight up mountain, and they hilariously decided to put the Health Center at the top. I walked in and the nurse lady whisked me into the back and immediately started barraging me with questions:
Nurse lady: “When was the last time you took your temperature?”
Robbie: “No need. I use the palm-to-forehead method and can guess perfectly accurate to within 0.5.”
She violently stabbed my ear with a thermometer.
Robbie: “I know my body.”
She pulled it out and started fumbling around with some shit behind her.
Robbie: “Let me guess: 99.6.”
Nurse lady: “102.”
She then strapped a mask on both of us and told me I was to be quarantined and wasn’t allowed to go to class.
Robbie: “Ah, bitch… Well tell me straight, how long have I got?”
Nurse lady: “… You’re not… going to die. It should go away in three days.”
Robbie: “Ha! Three days? I’ll beat it in two. Your shit is weak,” I said directly to the virus.
Nurse bitch: “Excuse me?”
After a ten minute discussion with Nurse Bitch about what I wasn’t allowed to do, followed by her sticking a cue tip in my nose and me attempting to purchase some prescription drugs, she asked me to leave. I studied the little paper she gave me detailing my symptoms, or as I like to call them, superpowers. I had been diagnosed with seasonal flu/swine, and after a little research, I realized my contagious period was nearing the end. I had approximately 24 hours to use my light cough to infect as many people as possible.
Alright, I’m not that douche. I returned to my room to nap it out for a few days until the game was over. Three days later I was back in action. Turns out the virus does have to run its course no matter how superior you are. In a nutshell: get swine flu. It’s one of the easier illnesses I’ve ever had, and the power to infect other people is something only a disease-carrier and doctor can understand. Apparently, it makes me immune for when the virus mutates, but who cares.