With only a week left in the semester, I had decided to subsist on my remaining supply of cereal, hamburgers, multivitamins, rice, and salt. I was sitting down to a meal of salt burgers smothered in Fruit Loops when my friend Lisa shot me a text.
(908): “Yo Robbie, you want head for lunch?”
She was referring to Brodhead, which is a dining hall on campus I regularly allow her to treat me to. Giggling to myself, I attempted to turn her request for lunch into a sexual favor.
(304): “Yes LOL.”
(908): “Good. Come swing by the lib right now. On the second floor. Then we can go eat.”
Sexual suggestion is really lost via text. I wasn’t about ready to give up though.
(304): “Eat some head? LMAO”
No response. I gave up, wrapped my salt burger in a shirt and tossed it in the fridge for later, pulled on my boots, and headed off for the library.
As I wandered through the library in search of Lisa, I was astounded by the number of students there. Every desk, table, chair, and stool was packed to capacity. After hopping over a fellow passed out on the floor clutching an Organic Chemistry textbook, I managed to find Lisa. Turns out she had managed to snag a table spot by staking it out early in the morning, bringing all of her possessions to sprawl about, and urinating on the seat.
Lehigh’s libraries are beautiful. I won’t deny that. However, I have a personal vendetta against the concept of a university library. There are three main problems.
- Though stocked with thousands upon thousands of books, there are no books in the library. Every book is some kind of extensive volume that looks pretty and is just used to take up space. They’ve been sitting there unused for decades and they will continue that way. Alright, I’m not being totally fair. There is a regular books section. It’s one bookshelf. Seriously. One.
- Libraries are social clusterfucks. Everyone’s running around talking to each other about how they haven’t even started studying yet for some final they have tomorrow. Then they continue to not study by socializing and getting hopped up on caffeine pills.
- It’s wrapped in the mysterious veil of work productivity. Around finals time I can’t tell you how often I hear, “Yeah I was in the library yesterday for like fourteen hours straight. I’m drinking myself into a coma after this exam. I hope I black out so hard and make several poor decisions.” Well that’s just silly. You could have accomplished in two hours what you just did in over half a day. Congratulations on tricking yourself into thinking you’re more prepared because of it.
I refuse to go to the library for these reasons, but mostly because I don’t have to. Almost all of my work is completed either in class, during office appointments, or by other people. Occasionally, I’ll do some work or study in my room, but that’s as far as I’ll go.
After I left some fresh urine to mark Lisa’s seat, I picked her up, threw her over my shoulder, and began hacking through the student slave forest that had somehow gotten worse since I got there.
“How the hell do I get out of here?” I yelled over my shoulder at Lisa.
“First of all, you need to put me down. Your shoulder is stabbing my uterus. Secondly, you need to not yell in the library. And this isn’t complicated. There’s only one stairway. And you’re walking down it as we speak.”
“Ah, OK.” I tossed her aside into a bookshelf. She knocked her head on volume fifty of Water in the Year 1405, and started bleeding. “Shit! Wait, are you menstruating now?”
“Robbie. I’ve explained this to you before. Just because I start bleeding from anywhere on my body doesn’t mean that I’m menstruating.”
“Oh OK.” I nodded as if I remembered her speaking ever. “Did you get my blowjob reference via text?” I whipped out my phone and made a masturbatory motion on it.
“Yes Robbie. You make that same stupid fucking joke every day.”
“Nice. So… that’s a yes?”
“Uh… I’m menstruating.”