“Robbie in!” I exclaimed my new tagline, pumped my chest twice, and then flashed a peace sign as I entered the Special Winter Olympics Party being held at Lisa’s house. My friend Elijah and I were throwing a themed party celebrating the opening ceremonies of the Winter Olympics.
Lisa delivered me a subtle punch to the back of the head, “Robbie, seriously. Shut up. Your stupid catch phrase is so embarrassing.”
Ignoring her as usual, I casually wandered over to the two guests, Elijah and Lisa’s roommate Abby.
Elijah: “Hey Robbie, I’m not sure people really understood the whole theme behind this thing. You did tell them to dress as a country, right?”
Me: “Um, yes. And I think when they see THIS—“
I ripped off my smock to reveal the Star of David across my chest.
Elijah: “YES. YES! ISRAEL. I KNEW IT. You continue to be awesome.”
Lisa and Abby shared a concerned look.
Lisa: “First off, not only did Robbie not tell anyone about the theme, but he also didn’t even invite anyone else.”
Abby: “Thank god. Everything about this idea was inappropriate. The poor name choice, the costumes, and the opening ceremony isn’t even happening tonight. It was yesterday. This whole thing seems like it would be a little racis–”
I cut Abby off by throwing the Torah that was tucked in my belt at her.
Me: “No. I am going to make this party happen.” I bent to my knees and made the sign of the cross on my chest. “I swear to Moses I will.”
I winked at actually Jewish Elijah while somewhere in the world a priest’s head exploded. Elijah nodded back.
Elijah: “Hell yes he will.”
An hour later and I had somehow managed to fill every seat and then some. All of my friends were representing countries from all over the world, including Somalia, Canada, and Texas.
While everyone was having a good time drinking and talking, I had drunkenly become heavily involved with the preliminary rounds of curling.
Me: “How hard is this shit? It’s glorified bowling.”
I began practicing my curling technique in the hallway, impressing no one.
After the commercial break speed skating came on, which I also deemed easy as balls.
Me: “This is easy as balls. Come on! They’re barely even trying. Apolo Ohno is chump change. Does anyone know if Michael Phelps can skate?”
Next came on the luge, and I about turned it off.
Me: “Point your toes! Point your toes! Great athlete. Unbelievable toe pointing. Fuck this noise.”
Lo, I didn’t turn it off and this went on for a few hours spanning several sports, until we reached the mother of all sports: figure skating.
Me: “Oh my god.”
Abby: “Robbie, I’m going to fucking stab you if you say one more sport is easy. This is THE Winter Olympics, and they are ATHLETES.”
Me: “This… is… amazing.”
Me: “They are like angels dancing at sundown. I’ve never seen such grace. These are athletes.”
Elijah: “He’s confusing athletes and dancers again.”
Abby: “I don’t get his analogy.”
Me: “It’s like watching… angels on ice. Look at the grace, how do they even stay standing—“
The skater on the screen slipped, crashing to the ice. An icy silence enveloped the room while everyone uncomfortably awaited my reaction.
Me: “OK, this is not that hard.”
Abby: “You’re an asshole. Get out of my house.”
I pumped my chest twice before displaying my final peace sign of the evening.