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Three weeks into Christmas break and I had lost my enthusiasm for mid-morning naps and continuously breaking my own record for consecutive sweatpants use. On one of my afternoon television marathons, I came across a peculiar television show called “Jersey Shore.” From my understanding, the show closely documents the daily mating habits of a small subsection of the population known as “guidos.” A guido, as defined by my only Jersey-native friend, is an “Italian guy that spikes his hair, dresses with glitter, and dances angrily.” Additionally, they are apparently predisposed to working out and tanning, but their unique cognitive processes are almost completely unexplored. Even less is known about the female version, but several field tests consistently reported that they are mildly overweight and even more retarded.
After watching every episode six or seven times, I found myself attracted to their mindless, self-destructive lifestyles. As break progressed, I began imitating their accents and pumping my fists on a regular basis. In an act of reckless abandon, I decided to write my own pilot pitch for the next season, Jersey Shore: Pennsylvania Edition.
This summer, four sheltered self-defined “students” have found themselves living in an off-campus house in the city where anything goes: South Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Throughout the fifteen weeks tensions rise, friendships are made, verbal fights nearly break out, and there is an ongoing need for a can opener.
Right off the bat things start to heat up, when the air conditioner unit breaks. Robbie “The Circumstance” narrowly avoids being arrested for running three stop signs on his bicycle while Eli D and Lisa “Snack Packers” practice making boat chicken. Markie triumphantly replaces the shower curtain.
Cut to clip of Circumstance and Eli D chilling on the couch they had moved into the kitchen after a long day of work and classes.
Eli D: “Yo, Circumstance. Want to go out strong tonight?”
Circumstance: “Yeah bro. In what respect?”
Eli D: “Let’s creep some mad guidettes.”
Circumstance: “Oh ha! Yeah you know I’m down bro. Your abs look so fucking Rambo today by the way.”
Eli D: “Dawg, yours are the fucking circumstance.”
Eli D and The Circumstance do an abs high five when Snack Packers walks in.
Snack Packers: “God you bros are gay. By the way, you’re not creeping tonight. I’m bringing some of my homies from north Jersey over.”
Circumstance: “How they look? Nice tans, fake boobs, etc?”
Eli D: “Aw yeah bitch.”
Eli D and Circumstance stand up for another abs high five.
Snack Packers: “Ugh, easy fellas. Look, like, they’re from Jersey so you know they hot.”
Circumstance: “Good. I can’t be creeping on no more creatures.”
Eli D: “Yeah… wait what does that mean again?”
Circumstance: “What’s their names?”
Snack Packers: “Genna ‘Guicy’ and Cara ‘C-WHOA.’ They’ll be here around 7:00. We’ll probably drink a little right when they get here so we can be in bed by 10:30. It is a weekday.”
This is the south Bethlehem. Anything that can happen will, and anything that does happen, happens with a vengeance. Everyone knows you don’t go to south Bethlehem looking for love, you go there looking for an education. Or drugs.