My friend Dave recently got in a fight defending the honor of his roommate, which is probably the most awesome thing I’ve ever heard. From my understanding, it was a four on two cage fight. Around 2 AM, four bros came rolling up to their door to pick a fight with Dave’s roommate over a disagreement about a lighter.
Knock. Knock. Knock. Knock. Knock.
Dave got up from the couch to see who was there. From the fire in their eyes and aggressive pounding on the door alone, he could tell it was going to be trouble. He opened the door.
Dave: “Can I help you fellas with something?”
Douche 1: “Where’s Frankel? He owes me a fucking lighter.”
His boys behind him licked their lips and pounded their fists together menacingly.
Dave: “Look man, we don’t want any trouble. You know that you have no right to that lighter. I’ll get him, but he’ll just tell you to fuck off.”
Douche 1: “Yeah, go get him.”
Dave turned around to Frankel sitting on the couch.
Dave: “Frankel, it’s for you.”
Without hesitation, Frankel stood up and walked to the door like a total badass.
Frankel: “What the fuck’s up guys?”
At that moment Douche 1 jumped him, and began kneeing him in the chest. Dave hopped in and grabbed the Douche 1 from behind, immobilizing him with a swift elbow to the soft of his neck. Douches 2 through 4 started filing in to attack. For about a minute Dave and Frankel traded blows with the clan of Douches. But it was four on two, and Douche 3 had a little bit of weight to him.
Suddenly, three giant rugby players at a dead sprint towards the house begin yelling maniacally. It was their third roommate Luke and his two friends making their way back from the bar.
Upon seeing the three monsters approaching, the foursome of Douches scattered like the bitches they were.
The next day, Dave recounted this story to me. Like five times. Later that night, he hit me up on G-chat.
Dave: now that were housemates, if i get in a fight you have to help out. its standard rules
me: yeah dawg, i understand. that’s why i’m getting so big. we all saw me in the muscle shirt today.
Dave: that helps, but you also have to have some balls. im no big shot right now.
me: dude. i have balls.
Dave: I’m just saying you were questioning what you would have done in my situation yesterday
me: same as you i think, i wouldn’t have let my boy go down obviously
Dave: all I’m saying is there should be no thinking about it. you take a black eye for me, as i will for you. you know that’s always a risk of starting a little tussle
Sent at 8:49 PM on Tuesday
me: i’m telling your story to lisa
Dave: make me sound badass
me: i just made you sound so fucking awesome, because that’s the image i have in my head
Dave: cause i fuckin was, takin on a double team for my boy
Sent at 8:53 PM on Tuesday
me: i have fought so many people
Dave: i dont doubt it. i got your back next year too in case the townies pull a knife or something.
me: righteous dawg. it’s good to know that. shit like that happens. i was thinking about carrying a weapon next year.
Sent at 8:56 PM on Tuesday
Dave: what kind of weapon
Moral of the story: If you do something remotely cool, there is no limit to how awesome you can make yourself sound.