It’s that time of the year again. Fucking Halloween.
As you know, this sorely misconstrued holiday consists almost entirely of usually-not-funny people desperately trying to come up with a hilarious costume. They either spend four hours to rig up a shoe box over their penis, portray something edgy and news relevant (I saw four pigs. Swine flu is a virus.), or wear a knife-through-the-head hat.
This isn’t to say that I haven’t seen some actual awesome costumes like America, a UPS delivery man, and Jesus-tap-dancing-Christ. However, unfortunately for you people who actually succeed in coming up with a costume that doesn’t suck, people are just as impressed by you telling them the witty thing you came up with as they would be seeing you in a bloody robe and tap dancing shoes. The five-second joke is over, and you’re forced to look like a dumbass the rest of the night.
That’s why I’ve discovered the only costume you’ll ever need for Halloween ever again. I’ve worn it the past twelve years in a row, and every year it fucking rocks. It’s stylish, but functional; scary, but sexy; and identity concealing, but significantly increases your chance of getting some. You need to be a ninja.
While the benefits of being a ninja are seemingly endless, here are the top 5 reasons you should do it:
- It’s easy. With less than two minutes of set up, it is one of the simplest costume designs available. All you need is black pants and two black shirts. Put on the pants, put on one of the shirts, and do this to the other one.
- It’s functional. My Internet ninja knowledge is probably less than average, but I do know ninjas are sneaky and shit. If you’re planning to break into your calculus professor’s home or go unnoticed at a party for well over three hours, the ninja garb is perfect.
- It’s scary. While zombies, fake hands, gay pirates, and vampires are a little startling, shit gets real when people think you’re a terrorist. A few Halloweens ago I convinced two of my friends to be ninjas with me. After I kicked a Frankenstein in the chest at Sam’s Hot Dog Stand, we were removed from the restaurant and had Homeland Security called on us. While it is hilarious, neither Frankenstein nor the Federal government have a sense of humor.
- It helps with getting chicks. My friends and I often play games with hitting on or picking up chicks at parties: who can get the most numbers, most kisses on the cheek, etc. On Halloween, we play a different variation. Girls don’t find ninja outfits particularly attractive, but Halloween is the one night of the year where you can knock out a chick with a little karate chop to the soft of her neck and drag her back to “base” without drawing attention from authority. Most chicks at the end wins. Then wake them up and set them free.
- It’s acceptable to carry weapons. If it were socially acceptable, I would carry a light saber, sword, or revolutionary war pistol stuffed in my belt at all times. There is nothing more fun than running around poking people without reason and not being beat up because “it’s part of your costume.” It also serves as a great conversation topic and barter chip for beer and boobs.
I expect one in four costumes to be a ninja next year. Another one in four should be doctors. And the remaining two can be some combination of the first two and my secret recommendation of this blog: DR. MCNINJA.
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