Since the beginning of time, men have worked tirelessly to attract women. Every technique and approach has been used thoroughly: honking horns, carrying weapons, wearing tight clothing, smiling, and even verbal abuse. Unfortunately, no technique known to man has a success rate of higher than 50%, except for one. After hours of tireless research and countless rejections, I have found a way to win the affection of women with 100% success, every time.
WARNING: This technique is insanely powerful and will almost surely lead to excessive chafing, overconfidence, and possibly suicide from too much poon being tossed your way. Be careful.
That’s right. I’ve found the key to every woman’s heart, something so irresistible that they’ll be ripping their clothes off and cutting themselves just to get near you. No, it’s not alcohol, it’s rub-on tattoos.
It’s nine o’clock on a Tuesday night at Baskin Robbins. I’m leaning sensually over the counter trying to convince the kind-of- cute-but-overweight ice cream server to give me a free ice cream scooper when a fine honey walks in.
Robbie: “Come on, you’re kind of cute and I heard you’re the go-to girl around here.* Any chance you could help me out and give me one?”
Overweight server: “I… honestly, I’m pretty sure I’m not authorized to give away equipment. Most people just want a free taste of some flavor…”
Fine honey walks in. I notice she’s wearing a jean jacket with a subtle bedazzled butterfly across the back. I confidently ignore her and sprint off to the bathroom. It was time for action. I quickly sort through my pocketbook of rub-ons until I find the butterfly. I slap that sucker onto my lower left bicep, just below the sleeve and return to the counter, where I had lost my place in line.
“Can’t a guy take a shit without losing his place in line?!” I jest seriously.
“Uh, whatever…” the girl says as she backs up. As she walks by I casually lift my left arm straight to the ceiling and push past her, revealing my ink.
Noticing her noticing my ink, I say, “Oh I noticed you noticed my ink. Yeah, it’s whatever. It’s a butterfly because I love them.”
Her reply was expected, “Oh my god, me too! That is so cute.” She turns around to reveal her totally awesome butterfly glitter jacket.
“Hot. Want to follow me to my car? I’ll let you lick me or something.”
“Definitely!” she replied with predictable enthusiasm.
About ten minutes after knocking her out and stealing her sweet jacket, I take off on my bicycle and ride into the sunset to try and find some more poon.
So what is it about ink that totally turns chicks on? It’s the commitment. The fact that you are so confident that you will be satisfied with a certain image etched into your body for the rest of your life directly implies that you would be willing to be a long-term partner. And therein lies the beauty of the rub-on. You get the implication of commitment without a dragon permanently drawn on you. Additionally, it allows you to control your image to various women. As in the example, I used a butterfly tattoo to pick up a female butterfly aficionado and ended up with a sweet ass jacket. In the past, I’ve done flowers, David Beckham, a minivan, Jesus, a puddle of water, Spongebob, fake scars, etc. It’s so easy and so effective; you can’t afford not to do it.
While it is awesome, there a couple things you should be aware of when rocking a rub-on:
- Don’t go swimming or through a car wash for two obvious reasons. The first being that swimming is gay. The second being that car washes can kill you.
- Don’t apply more than two rub-ons. One is fine if you have guessed her interests correctly. Two gives you better odds of guessing her interests, but also potentially makes you look confused about what you like. More than two and you look like a tattooed out jackass.
- Don’t apply to the face. I can safely say my greatest failure was when I applied a basket of fruit tattoo to my forehead. Safest bets are arms and genitalia.
Now rub on some rub-ons and tap some tail.
*How to Win Friends and Influence People technique.