I was recently approached by a fragile Indian man outside the school bus stop. Without looking at me or even saying a word, he handed me a small flier for a FREE SEMINAR. The flier pictured a very content looking woman and a checked off check list with the following items:
- Reduce stress.
- Improve self-confidence.
- Eliminate doubt and anxiety.
- Learn the art of focus.
- And help be YOU.
Now the last one sounded a little odd, but they had piqued my interest nonetheless. In my tireless research to decrease school work time and school-related stress, I figured it was worth my while to at least try it out. Hell, I had been having a mildly stressful day of aggressive Internet surfing with intermittent naps and masturbation sprinkled in. I deserved to decompress a little bit.
The event was taking place in a building called Coxe Hall. I had never stepped foot in the building before, and giggled gleefully to myself at its penis name. I eventually found the room and stumbled in to find the same small Indian
man named Ajay sitting in a chair desperately trying to keep up conversation with three fine babes in spandex. That’s when I saw the mats on the floor. Oh fuck.
I crashed down into a chair by myself on one side of the room. We were going to do fucking yoga. Before I could get up and run, an uppity little Indian woman came bursting in.
Ajay: In a thick Indian accent. “Velcome to dis Art of Living seminar. Ve’re going to some breeding exercises and yoga to help clear de mind and release de stresses of your life. Dis is Puja, she vill be leading de event.” I immediately started sweating and quickly ranked the do-ability of the three girls in the room.
Puja: ”Dis seminar is all about breeding. Everyting in your life is connected to your breeding.” Oh, breathing. “Before ve begin, let’s all introduce ourselves. Go ahead.” She pointed at me. I found myself strangely aroused by her accent. Something about female Indian accents are so sexy. It’s probably because it reminds me of my pediatrician, the first woman to touch me, you know, sensually.
Me: “I’m Robbie.” The girl next to me went next.
Cara: “I’m Cara. Are you the guy who won the talent show last year? Playing the keyboard? Oh my god I loved you.”
Me: “Yeah. I’m pretty awesome.” Turns out yoga is great for self confidence. The other girls giggled fiendishly. I assumed they wanted me.
Girl 1: “I’m Girl 1.” I can’t remember her name so for the sake of fairness, that’s her name.
Girl 2: “I’m Girl 2.” Same deal.
Puja proceeded to caress us with her angelic voice and then force us to stand on top of a yoga mat. There were two rows, and the three chicks quickly grabbed the back three. Fucking no. I plopped down on the one right in front of them and became frighteningly aware of my Spongebob boxers and 1998 roller hockey fall league t-shirt. It was honestly the most anxiety I’d had in weeks. For promising reduced stress, this event was a rollercoaster with my emotions.
I managed to fake flexibility and not make an ass out of myself for the first couple moves, but after the warrior stance she made us get down on all fours.
Puja: “Now children, push your naval to de floor and your chin to de ceiling.”
Oh my god. As I positioned myself to be penetrated from behind, I totally lost my yoga focus and prepared for the inevitable. Do not fart. Do not fart.
I imbibed the fart back into my ass, and then choked back the tears of pain when she made us sit on our own feet. I was a sweaty hot mess when she finally let us sit back down.
During the breathing section, we practiced a nostril alternating exercise. You breathe in through the right, then out through the left. In practice, this makes sense. Unless you’ve got a stuffy nose, and then it’s the best way to effectively fire off a snot rocket. And I watched as Girl 1 did just that and then sprint off to the bathroom in embarrassment. And to clean the giant snot wad off her shirt I assume.
This led me to go into a hysterical laughing fit, followed by a cursing fit, and Puja really getting pissed off for me throwing off the energy of the room. I managed to gain control just in time for the most important part: the meditation section. It’s one of those things where they make you aware of all your body parts.
Puja: “Feel your feet touching de floor. Keep breeding. Feel your shins, your legs, your genitals.” They felt squishy.
After about ten minutes of that, I was so aware of my kneecaps and shit, but I started pushing the envelope. I stopped paying attention to Puja’s buttery delicious voice and started feeling for my inner organs, cells, and swine flu antibodies. That’s right, I feel you, you dirty little antibody. I kept this up for about ten minutes until I got hooked back on the genitals, but it really was a bizarrely calming exercise.
Sign yourself up for a yoga class at your school, and learn breathing meditation techniques. Learning this stuff gives you amazing control over your emotions and stress level. Also, you might get to watch a hot chick accidentally snot rocket herself.